i was ...

i was Excited to start fresh. a freshman with a desire to see it all, conquer it all, in the expansive, labyrinthine walls of my crowded high school.

i was Anxious when work became heavy, friendships became murky, but flourished in the bustling schedule provided by the studious mix of academia and extracurricular.

i was Conflicted as my first seemingly difficult year came to an end and two paths diverged before me and logic alone would not provide an answer.

i was Happy because though my future held scholarly separation from current friends, summer was mine, ours, anyone's to take.

i was Conflicted: retrospectively it was too much but i felt a monstrous motivation refusing to let go. sleepless weeks, tear fueled drives, constant self loathing: why couldn't i do better? 

i was Anxious without sleep yet refused to let myself back down. school over all. icy perfection is not real, not healthy but it ran through my blue veins, my drug.

i was Excited to see lights, to reach my final chapter in a seemingly endless book and see the changing, ebbing tides that accompanied this year. there is hope, help, and happiness in struggle. 

i am Still Figuring It Out. 

xoxo walt whitman

My interpretations of Whitman's somewhat legible handwriting, after reading some of his journal:

"Welcome the stars - welcome the trial - let the waves / Why now I shall see what the old ship is made of / Any body can sail a .. fair wind ... / Ship of Libertad / Blow mad winds! / Rage boil seas your wide ... waves, / Crash away - / Tug at the planks - them groan - fall (full?) around, black clouds - clouds of death / Come now we will see what stuff you are made of Ship of Libertad / Let thus ..."

"I want to see what ? before I die, / I welcome this menace - I welcome thee with joy"

"Ship of the world - Ship of Humanity - Ship of the ages ? (Ship that circlest the world) Ship of the hope of the world - Ship of Promise" followed with illustrations of men's profiles, with variations of hats and features, followed by a sketch of a harp (?) 

"Here stood Washington / The last war" followed with illustration of Washinton-esque skeleton, with a skewered heart- this seems like a commentary by Whitman on the Civil war threatening the bonds of the States of the time

- From my observations of Whitman's journal I was only able to interpret some of the lines. I really enjoy his work in Leaves of Grass, and this is just further proof that his work is truly significant, even in its roughest form. His lines about ships seem to mirror his ideas about versatility and strength in adversity; he suggests that one of the two men in the conversation is suggesting that the "Ship of Libertad," most likely the United States, should welcome the struggle to strengthen itself in the end. It seems a beautiful image, and a hopeful tone is there despite the topic. He continues with the theme of ships, testing various names of the ship, all with diction that has relatively positive connotations; this seems like brainstorming, maybe still in reference to the United States. The last couple pages in the file are about George Washington and have a darker mood; the illustration of the skeleton and sword-skewered heart is in contrast to the earlier illustrations of people, hats, and harps. In my opinion, this seems to reflect Whitman's disappointment in conflict and maybe he is criticizing the United States for slipping back to such conflict after not listening to the founder's advice. 

- Looking at what Whitman actually wrote, I felt okay with my original observations from the journal. There were significant parts of the journal that I was not able to read which had been deciphered, including the opening pages. I was especially interested by his page on religion which did not seem to belong in this presidential dialogue, but which alluded to another part of his work and himself. Heading in to the work on the conversation with Lincoln, I felt that I had been headed in the right direction with my observations; Whitman respected Lincoln but was conflicted about the war on the horizon. Whitman reveals that while he desires a more accepting nation, a stronger bonded nation, he detests violence or conflict and the damage it yields to the people when using later metaphor to a ship. He compares Lincoln to the captain and as I assumed, the United States is the Ship of Libertad, the Spanish word for liberty. Something I had not thought about was the global ramifications of these events but this is something explored here too in the various names of the ship.

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